“It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it.” Lets talk about tone.
A simple, and too often overlooked piece of the relationship puzzle is how we speak to each other. Many people with ADHD are acutely tuned to the subtle details of communication, we notice everything and, quite often, feel things very deeply. The tone in which someone talks to us can impact us significantly, both positively or negatively. Think back to an interaction you had with an amazing teacher, supervisor, partner, or coach. What did they sound like when you asked them an unnecessary/irrelevant question? Feels good, right? Kind and secure.
A long time ago I noticed that I had developed the habit of speaking in a snarky tone to my kids, especially around dinnertime. Is this what I was becoming? Sadly, yes. We really are what we do repeatedly. Horrified by this, I decided that I would put effort into pausing before responding. My goal was not to be a “Pollyanna” but rather take notice if my response was what I wanted it to be or if it had become automatic. Did I snark without even thinking?
When’s dinner? “At 6 o’clock.” Now try saying that in 4 different tones.
Neutral ”At 6 o’clock.” 😐
Angrily “At 6 o’clock!!!” 😤
Humorously “At 6 o’clock!” 😆
Exasperatedly “At 6 o’clock…” 😩
How did that feel? I am not saying to be someone you are not. Pretending to be a chirpy, happy all the time person is madness. But, choosing to be angry or irritated all the time is its own sort of madness too and has serious impacts on your relationships, not to mention your health. Live in line with who you want to be.
My challenge for you is look inward and notice your own tone of voice in your interactions.
Are you using the tone you intended or responding on autopilot?
Does how you speak support the type of relationships you want?
Do you lose out on opportunities for connection or escalate conflict unnecessarily because of the tone in which you respond?
It can be eye opening and painful to take an honest look at our own behaviours and how they contribute to a relationship. It’s always easier to blame.
The next time you are about to respond on autopilot, pause. Choose the tone that aligns with the result you desire and the person you want to be. Go ahead, test this out at a certain time of day or when interacting with a specific person. Do not tell them you are doing this but do pay attention to the results over the course of a few days. You might just be surprised!
Not easy, no one is perfect, but do give it a try. If us ADHDers notice and are impacted by the tone of voice others use on us, then we must accept that how we speak to others also impacts them.
Coaching questions…
Who do you know who is great at using self control to choose the tone they respond in most of the time?
What would be an easy and doable opportunity in your day to try practicing this new awareness? Don’t forget, the social hub events are fantastic opportunities to practice new awarenesses and skills.
Does your tone align with your values?
Which relationships are most important to you? Do they get the best version of you?
What might be different in your relationship if you changed your tone in some situations?
